Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Randomize
