Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
