hotel room ftw
i love accidental penises.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
