he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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