I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
