Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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