My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
