We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
