I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
