Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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