yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
