living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Randomize
