Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Well I just put wine in my tea
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
