Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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