I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm always down for nudity.
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