you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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