Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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