you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
