i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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