I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
