i permit you to call me
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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