I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I think we might need a safe word for this...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
