so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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