You made me cry and you don't even care
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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