its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
