Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's blow job season.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
