So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
