oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
