I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
