i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The power of my boobs compel you
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
