ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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