it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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