She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I FOUND THE LEGS
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
