I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
