Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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