u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
