there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
