I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
