We're like a lot better than the average bears
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
