There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
