We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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