i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
