you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
