Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
