Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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