I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
