Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
