the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
