I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
