we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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