Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
