i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
My vagina just recognized that song.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
